Commitment.Or Lack Thereof

Why are guys afraid of commitment?I think the first thing we need to establish is this: women are just as afraid of commitment as men are. It remains a common stereotype that men are always the ones to jump ship first, which simply isn't true. Part of the problem seems to be that all the girls who want a committed relationship are actually getting involved with guys who are looking for the opposite, and vice versa. And that's the most frustrating part: you have otherwise really intelligent, wonderful girls who are somehow attracted to the "bad" boy. This seems to be more common than I personally thought, though not the only reason for commitment issues, as both genders contribute equally to this dilemma.

There's an explanation for this. I'll use college students as the basis of this example (since, of course, that's what we are). The people in college who are looking for a commitment tend to be what I would call "self-actualized," insofar as they are fairly aware of who they are and what they want in terms of a relationship. They see themselves as independent and view relationships as a healthy complement to an already satisfying existence. Let's call these people "Type A."

There are also people who simply do not know what they want ("Type B"). It's a common adage that college is the place where a lot of people "figure themselves out." This isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's an important developmental stage. It is, however, very difficult to tell someone else what you want out of a relationship when you simply don't know yourself well enough to decide that. Yet, at our age, every hormone in our body is telling us to go out and.date, which leads to the seemingly inevitable combination of the two types, and thus frustration and heartache.

So these Type A people encounter Type B people, and more often than not are in some sense intrigued by who they are and what they are involved in. Furthermore, they often feel that they can "help" or "change" Type B, somehow molding them to a more healthy experience (i.e. bringing Type Bs closer to the level Type As perceive themselves to be at).

For example, let's say we have a Type A, Sarah, who meets a Type B, Matt. Now Sarah considers herself a pretty picky person when it comes to dating, and she's fairly confident in her ability to read people, especially guys. Matt, on the other hand, isn't so sure of himself. He's extremely smart but doesn't put effort into school. He's into some drugs, mostly weed, but he tries harder stuff occasionally. He's generally aloof and fluctuates between caring about Sarah a lot and seeming distant and bored.

Now Sarah is attracted to his better points (intelligent, funny, likes the same music as her etc.) but knows that it will never really go anywhere because of his lesser ones. However, instead of recognizing that he probably isn't the right person for her, she'll instead spend an exorbitant amount of time trying to alter his personality, the very core of who he is, to make him into the kind of guy she could let herself care about on a deeper level. Keep in mind that during this whole time, Sarah has not let her guard down; there's an emotional barrier between her and Matt, which she will never allow him through as is. This is because, again, Sarah is very aware of the whole situation and has known from the start that Matt is not for her. At this point, Matt has become a "challenge," a pet project, a puzzle to figure out, instead of being a person worthy of her love because of who he is.

So when we talk about commitment, I think it's most pertinent to discuss how to reduce your likelihood of being hurt by someone by getting into a relationship that actually suits your needs from the start. Otherwise, you're obviously not going to want to be in a committed relationship with them. In the previous example, Sarah is at fault because she is ultimately hurting both herself and Matt. She is treating Matt like a strategy game rather than a human being. Instead of simply admitting to herself that the two of them probably shouldn't be more than friends, she keeps fighting for something more, hoping that maybe one day he'll be what she's looking for. Or, even worse, she's just bored and looking for something to do. Matt is partially at fault because he should be aware enough to know that he and Sarah really aren't on the same page developmentally; even if he's not sure what he wants, he probably knows that he's not what she's looking for.

Ultimately, it comes down to who you will and will not allow yourself to be open with emotionally. It's usually not extremely difficult to tell if you and a person have the potential to be more than friends (ideally, it should come naturally and seem effortless). But, if you're like Sarah and put so much effort into something that isn't going anywhere, and you're aware of it, then you're just setting yourself up for the sense of defeat and helplessness when the other person doesn't live up to your expectations. Worse, you're actually leading them on, making them believe that they have the potential to be what you want, when actually you're just letting them know that they aren't good enough (which is obviously hurtful). In order to form more healthy relationships with the kinds of people we know we want, we need reconcile ourselves with the fact that our relationships with everyone aren't required to work out; sometimes it's better to just let go and find someone new.