Suicide, When it's Not a Joke Anymore

When I was in college, the rumor was that if your roommate committed suicide you got your tuition and room for free. Of course sitting around the lunch table we would joke around about those who might commit suicide or who we might want to do it- but it was just joking. We were a bunch of dumb young guys who never knew anyone who'd committed suicide.On the day after Thanksgiving in 1984, I was visiting my aunt and her family because my immediate family was too far away to visit (we were poor back then). My aunt answered the phone and said "Henderson's" as was the custom and looked at me and said, "There's someone named Maria on the phone for you." Maria was one of my closest friends from home and there was no reason she should be calling, much less know where I was. Back in those days, we wrote letters and I hadn't written for a while and to call "long distance" was quite expensive at that time so I immediately knew something was up. Did she want to date me? Did something happen to her mom?

I said, "Hello" and she immediately responded, "Mark's dead." She started crying and said he'd killed himself by parking his car in the garage and closing the door. I tried talking but didn't really know what to say. Mark was a good friend of ours, and he'd been having problems with his parents, problems with school and problems with his girlfriend. After some time I hung up, sat down and was in shock for days. The following Monday I was back at school, sitting at the lunch table and told the guys what happened. We didn't talk about free tuition and rooms any more.

Mark was a tall, handsome, funny guy who was so good-looking that we used to joke about 30 year-olds picking him up (which had actually happened). This was before "cougars" were popular. He drank too much and smoked too much and apparently decided that on Thanksgiving night, 1984, his problems were never going to get better - so he ended it.

When people ask me why I'm a psychologist I typically say it's because the girls in psychology class were a lot better looking than the guys in the physics class. The truth is that 25 or 26 years later I can still remember that phone call and want to do everything I can to make sure one of you doesn't get that phone call.

Sometimes I hear people at the Caf, or Phil's talking about "killing themselves" if something doesn't work out (a paper, a date, a project, etc.). But if they'd ever gotten that call, they probably would use a different phrase or not be so quick to think of ending their life (even jokingly) over temporary problems.

The bottom line for me, 25 plus years later, is that permanent solutions for temporary problems are not the answer. I've had a lot of laughs in my life, had my heart broken, found the love of my life, had problems with my parents, struggled with my own demons, and when I get to the point where I wonder if I can make it one more day, I think "Mark's been dead this entire time. If he would have made it one more day, he might have found something to keep him going for the past 25 years." But he didn't; he chose the permanent solution for arguments and problems that he would have long forgotten about by now.

My life's work now is to help students in distress. Usually it's about something that's somewhat embarrassing or difficult but not overwhelming. For those of you who know me, you know that I often find some humor in the situation, and we figure out a way to fix the problem without letting it overwhelm the student. Occasionally though, it's overwhelming and the student thinks they might be better off dead.

Often I remember that Mark never saw "The Office," "Seinfeld," Michael Jordan win 6 championships, the birth of his own children, the first African American President, or even Haley's Comet. So I try to help the student realize that if today is the worst day of their life, tomorrow MUST be better. The four years (or more) you spend at St. Norbert are going to have ups and downs. But there is nothing that will happen here that will be worth missing the first mission to Mars, the first Woman President, the birth of your children, or the next great show everyone is talking about- please tell me it's not "Jersey Shore" or "Tough Love."

Use our staff, use online resources, use the campus ministers, use off-campus professionals, use whoever you need to in order to make sure you and your friends see what life has to offer over the next 25 plus years. Please.

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Editor's Note: Kevin Miller is the lead clinical psychologist/clinical supervisor at the Counseling Center.